Spring Break 2001

So even though I should be "enjoying my vacation" I of course just ended up watching television and surfing the web. Surprise, surprise.

This Metafilter thread on slutty underage cam girls really got me thinking though.

Not about anything of redeeming value, but of the sheer comic potential in these cam-girl sites. These girls are so egotistical and desperate for attention, and yet so utterly stupid and vapid. The sites are just crying out to be mocked and made fun of.

Actually, I had been thinking about this ever since I found the "lipgloss assassin". Not on purpose of course, but the way I "discover" everything these days - trolling through my referrer logs led me to this, which linked to some horrible thing I wrote ripping on college kids that I don't even remember publishing.

Not that you should check your referrer logs. Remember kids, referrer logs are evil.

Anyway, because I'm on vacation, I will now continue this piece in "skitzo inner monologue format," because it will be much easier and I am a talentless hack who is very, very tired.

Yes, a site making fun of stupid slutty cam girls! A new stupid angry web project making fun of people!

Back to what I'm good at! I always say, go with your strengths. And clearly, this is my strength.

Pah. That whole making fun of cam girls thing has already been done. Daign.com, jackass.

But, but, I could do such a better job. Mine would be funnier, wittier, and much, much meaner. I'm a fucking comic genius.

Yeah, great idea, rip on teenage girls with obvious and serious self-esteem and attention starvation issues who overexpose themselves online. Way to be an adult mr. age twenty-one in less than a month. Great use of your time.

Fuck you!

No, fuck you. Come on, it would just be a pointless and futile attempt to lash out at all the girls like that who wouldn't talk to you when you were in high school. And don't you think it's time you stopped being angry at them?

Yeah. It's only distracting me. I should be focusing my anger on the college girls who won't talk to me. But wait, it would also be a pointless and futile attempt at redirecting anger at all the sorority girls who won't talk to me in college!

You're not in the "angry lashing out at people more popular than you" stage anymore.

I'm not?

No, no. Pay attention. First Andrew did that whole "people i would and would not fuck on the internet" but then he made Diaryland because you know he really cared about personal expression and so first there was the webloglog thing and then...

Yeah, whatever. I never even saw the original fuck list. Also, I did that whole Organizine thing as part of my I love personal expression blah blah help the people communicate rah rah.

And then shut it down a week later.

So what phase does that put me in now, smart pants?

Hmmm, I probably won't know unless Andrew shuts down Diaryland.

Yeah, great. Real useful. So about this new site reviewing stupid cam girls...

Already been done! Pay attention! Why don't you make fun of the jackasses who link to them and send them leagues of eager loser undersexed male nerds to fawn over them, you know, those lame ass everything/nothing sites.

Because then I'd have to read e/n sites.

Good point. Hey, are you ever going to write a damned texty text ever again?

Does this count?

I don't think so.

Come on, it's much too long to be a daily piece.

But it's not a piece of personal narrative!

Neither are half the pieces there!

Fuck you! They're supposed to be personal narratives!

I hate you.

No, I hate you. I mean me. Err, say good night gracie.

Fuck you.

Aww, are you angry? Awww. Come on, let's play a game. I'll start a famous commercial slogan, and you finish it. "We're American Airlines..."

Fuck you.

No, I'm sorry, I was looking for "something special in the air." So, you want to play hardball, eh? "Make Seven..."

Fuck you.

"Up yours!" Don't you see, I got to say up yours, because you didn't get the right answer. Ok, I didn't want to do this, but I'm forced to bring out the big guns.

"Five, eight, eight..."

Must... resist...

Come on, you have to finish it... "Five, eight, eight..."

No! Make the jingle stop!

"Five, eight, eight..."

"TWO THREE HUNDRED, EMPIRE!"

Didn't that feel good?

Oh that felt real good. I hope you're happy. This is so going into texty texts now. Fuck quality.