Death Run and Adam II

Preface - this piece was originally going to be about my lunch with Ben Brown. Not lunch with benbrown.com, which would be like me reading a daily text while eating a sandwich in front of my computer. No, this was eating at a restaurant with the real, live, Ben Brown. And yeah, getting to hang out with Ben for a while was great, and even though he's like this rock star and everything, the text I wrote turned out to be kind of boring, so I scrapped it. Maybe I'll come back to it later. Instead you guys get this fun filled tale, which isn't that great either, but I've been trying to do laundry all week, which sounds a lot easier than it is because doing laundry for me is like an epic battle between good and evil with a booming orchestral soundtrack, so that consumed most of my energy.

about 10:00pm, 4/18/2000 - The annoying little phone rings, and I hate that, because whenever I pick up the annoying little phone after it rings there's almost always somebody that I don't want to talk to, or that doesn't want to talk to me, but someone else, usually my roommate, but almost never me. "Hello?"

"Dude, I'll be over in five minutes."

"Ian, you don't have a car, it's not going to happen tonight."

"DUDE! Five minutes."

"Bye Ian."

"Five minutes."

"Uh huh. Bye."

Five minutes in Ian-speak actually means "I'll be over in two hours to take you on a death run." A death run typically has the following structure:

• ian arrives at my window at 12:30am
• we drive on us101 at dangerously high speeds to In-N-Out burger
• consume massive quantities of greasy food while driving at a more reasonable speed to Happy's Donuts
• consume maple bars and other assorted fatty donut-like foods
• return to stanford

But there will be no death run tonight, obviously, because Ian got into a car accident last Friday. He was too busy gawking at women to notice the car in front of him screech to a halt, and rear-ended it, but since it's Ian and everything always works out dandy for the wonder-boy, now the girl that he crashed into wants him or some crap like that, and his insurance is covering it all anyway.

Then the annoying little phone rings again, but this time it's a girl, and oh yes, a girl is actually calling me! And she's not asking for my roommate yet, so she probably wants to talk to me, well, she obviously wants to talk to me because she is talking to me, but it takes me a while to realize that it's Alejandra because she doesn't immediately identify herself, and I don't want to be like, who the fuck is this, because how often do women actually call me that aren't trying to sell me something useless, so it would just be stupid to be a total asshole. But it's understandable that I don't immediately recognize her voice because I haven't talked to her since, at least last quarter, so it's been weeks, months even, and I miss Alejandra because she's so much fun.

But she hasn't been all that much fun lately because she was having "issues" and that whole depression thing, but she got help and hopefully will be doing better, which is good, because she's one of the only people at Stanford I actually get along with.

Ale wants to come over, and I suggest that we watch these new Transformers videos I just got for my birthday last week, and she agrees, because Ale is super-cool like that.

So we watch "City of Steel" where the evil Decepticons secretly establish an underground base beneath New York so that the Constructicons can steal and convert the Empire State Building into a new evil, indestructible Decepticon headquarters, and Optimus Prime gets captured and disassembled, and the other Autobots come to rescue him, but they're really incompetent and when they put him back together he's missing his right arm. His right arm is really important because it's the one with the gun, but it turns out that his arm is actually on top of the new evil headquarters and is shooting stuff for the Decepticons. And then the Constructicons all band together to from Devastator, who can kick the living shit out of anything, so they smack around all the autobots, but eventually Optimus Prime uses some kind of weird telekensis and regains control of his arm, and fires a shot at Devastator, who's climbing the newly converted Empire State Building in a stupid Godzilla reference and batting away helicopters, and amazingly even though all the other Autobots got their collective rusty asses kicked by Devastator because he's eight times the size of them, this one little shot from Optimus's severed arm is enough to neutralize him and stop the Decepticons evil plan. God I love the Transformers. Even after all these years, Optimus Prime is one bad mother fucker.

Ale and I watch this amazing piece of cartoon cinema, and I provide running commentary on the hilarity that is the Transformers universe because I'm just so god-damned witty and entertaining when I want to be, and then after we just chill in my room and talk, which is really good, because I haven't seen Ale in weeks and it's nice to talk to her. And I realize that I'm just really bad at keeping up friendships; I just don't seem to have the knack for it at all.

And then the evil little phone rings again.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is Adam there?"

"Yes, dammit, Yuping, I'm here, what is it?"

Blah blah, E40 problem set, blah blah, CS154 problem set, blah blah, desperately need help, blah blah, help me Obi-Wan you're my only hope, blah blah blah, due tomorrow, blah blah.

"Yeah, whatever, don't worry, I'll icq you later."

"But..."

And then it's back to chilling with Alejandra. But eventually I feel bad, and guilty, because I have that whole Jewish guilt thing that I can never escape, and I realize I need to do my problem sets too, because they're due tomorrow, and that the E40 might be a little difficult because I haven't been to class in a while because I've been off having lunch with rock stars and stuff.

Alejandra leaves, which just leaves me, an incorrect half-finished E40 problem set, and my desire for a nap.

Between our collective genius, Yuping and I manage to not help each other at all with either of the problem sets.

After reading the chapter on Phasor representation of voltages, and then reading it again, and then reading it again, screaming, playing some emulated Galaga '88 on MAME, then reading it again, I kind of understand it enough to continue on with the problem set and write down some mostly incorrect answers that may get me enough partial credit to pass the stupid class that I don't want to be taking anyway. Who the hell cares about circuits? Not me, I'll tell you that. I'm supposed to have to take this so I can understand the intro to computer hardware course I have to take next quarter for my stupid comp sci degree, but I don't care about that class either. I'm a software guy dammit! I don't do hardware. That's boring crap.

I finish problem 5, take a little 5 minute almost-nap for joy, and then decide to brush my teeth before doing problem 6, which thank the maker, is the last one I have to write down an incorrect answer for this week.

Narnia, the enchanted magical land far from England in those wacky C.S. Lewis Books had some really weird inexplicable stuff, like that enchanted Turkish Delights that make Edmund the White Queen's slave.

Narnia, the enchanted magical self-operated house far from the Stanford campus which I live in has some really weird inexplicable stuff, like coed bathrooms. One of which I was in while I was brushing my teeth. Brush brush brush. Brush brush brush. Brush brush brush.

"DUDE! What the hell are you doing brushing your teeth? We have to go now if we're going to make it! I have your shoes! Let's go! Now!"

I look at Ian, flip him off, then go back to brushing my teeth. The young lady barely wrapped in a towel brushing her teeth next to me had some weird look that combined terror, amusement, and irritation. Or maybe it was just hard to discern because she was only wearing a towel.

"What the hell! We don't have time for this shit dude!" And then Ian grabs me and starts to pull me out of the bathroom, while I mutter some incomprehensible opposition with the toothbrush still in my mouth, and grab onto the sink so I'm not pulled out of the bathroom.

"FINE! Finish brushing your damned teeth. Now. Quick. I'll meet you at the car."

I spit out my toothpaste and rinse and such, and walk back to my room. Ian is standing just outside the window. (I live on the first floor, and my window doubles as a handy entry and escape route, so that isn't something death-defying or anything.)

"Where the fuck are my shoes? Shit, it's already 12:50, we can't make it to In-N-Out anyway." (Because it closes at 1, and the point of no return, which we've determined multiple times, is about 12:40 even if you drive like a maniac)

"I've got your shoes right here! Let's Go!" He holds up my ugly green Grinders boots. I used to exclusively wear Doc Martens, but they sold out and just make really boring "urban" boots for yuppie fucks now, so they lost my intense brand loyalty.

"Well, would you fucking throw them back in here so I can put them on?"

"No! We don't have that kind of time dammit. Put them on in the car."

I sigh, and perch up on the window as I'm about to climb out.

"Can you give me my fucking boots, I don't feel like trudging through this vast wilderness in my socks."

"FUCKING BULLSHIT! DUDE! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!"

Ian then proceeds to throw me over his shoulder and run towards the still running illegally "parked" car outside the house.

"Ian, this is really not appropriate."

"Shut up. Let's go," he says as he throws me into the passenger side, hops across the hood Dukes of Hazard style, and then begins to drive like a maniac.

"Who's car is this?"

"It's Sup's."

"Does Supina know you just got into an accident? Has she ever been in a car with you? Is she insane?"

"Dude, don't tell anyone but you know Supina, the Thai girl, I'm..."

"I don't know how you can make "Thai Girl" sound so dirty... Yeah, I know, I've heard it before. But you're not anymore, she has a boyfriend now. Honestly, Ian, your driving is scaring me, we can't make it to In-N-Out, can you please just drive normally? Let's just go to Happy's for donuts."

"You doubt my ability to get to In-N-Out?"

"Yes."

"Ok, fine, we'll go to Happy's," as he slams on the accelerator, and weaves between traffic like a maniac.

"If we're going to Happy's, the twenty-four hour donut shop, then you probably can stop driving like that."

"I just really want to make sure I get a Maple bar."

"Why the fuck are you turning on Page Mill? We can't make it to In-N-Out."

"We're going to fucking make it."

And approximately three seconds later we're on the highway, driving recklessly.

"Ian, this is a frightening."

"Dude, stop your bitching."

And another three seconds pass. I glance at the speedometer, it says 120.

"Wow, this car has much better pickup than mine."

I put my hands against the dash and brace myself for imminent death as the car continues to accelerate. There's a little piggy with a bouncy head on the dash. Its head is bouncing so fast I'm afraid it's going to pop off.

"Holy shit, are we at Rengstorff exit already? Shouldn't you slow down a bit..."

"Hold on..."

"Oh my god, I'm going to die." I look over, the lights for the drive-through are still on at In-N-Out, signifying they're still open.

The car screeches and barely stays on the exit ramp, and in a flash, we're at the drive through.

"Hi, how are you doing today?"

"I'm good, and how are you?

"Find, thanks for asking. What can I get for you tonight?"

"I'd like two plain hamburgers, just meat and bun, a cheeseburger with no onions, an order of fries, and a medium coke."

"Dammit, can't you get your own damned coke and fries. And how do you know I'm going to get my usual? Maybe I wanted something different tonight." I reach in my back pocket and realize I forgot my wallet in the rush. "I hope you actually have money for once, because I forgot my wallet."

"Right, you order something different. Funny. Oh don't worry, I have your wallet right here."

I sigh. I look at the clock. It says 1:03. The lights go off above us, indicating In-N-Out is closed for the night.

"Damn I'm good. Dude, don't doubt me. So, in the screen play version of your life, I think the turning point should be the one time we don't actually make it to In-N-Out in time."

"Or when we die in a horrible car crash trying."

"The thing is, should the clock say 12:59 when we don't make it, or 1:01."

"1:01."

"No, no, it should be 12:59, to show that even though you tried and in some sense succeeded, the world was really against you, like there is some kind of cosmic barrier to your happiness."

"No, it should say 1:01 to show that I failed, and that it's my fault. The world isn't out to get me, I just suck.

"I don't think you understand where I'm going with this screenplay thing. Like that part about me in the Coho..."

"It's the screenplay version of my life, and all you want to do is change it so that all the interesting parts feature you."

"Right, so that it's just like your life."

We pick up the food, and proceed to Happy's Donuts.

"Hi guys, we're out of Maple Bars."

We both give a little sigh.

"That's ok, are those things down there filled?" I ask.

"No, just cinnamon rolls."

"Ok, I'll have one of them..."

"...and I'll have a chocolate bar."

And then our good server throws another couple donuts in there, because we're such damned good customers. And we always tip well.

With my mouth full of donut, "Ian, don't you think maybe we should have saved one of these for Supina, you know, for letting us risk her car's life for the pursuit of greasy death-inducing delights?"

"Maybe. We should get her flowers."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll cause another awkward conversation with her boyfriend about you."

"Heh, yeah, totally, big obnoxious flowers."

So it's off to the Safeway convenience store to buy a big obnoxious flower arrangement. We eventually settle on something that's four feet tall and has three huge, white blossoms on it.

"Perfect!"

"It's definitely obnoxious. It's starting to grow on me a little."

We go back to campus. Ian cautiously opens the door to Supina's room, and she's sleeping, but since Ian is about as stealthy as a garbage truck when it's making those loud "i'm backing-up, get the hell out of the way or die" sounds, Supina wakes up. Surprisingly, she isn't pissed at us, and actually thanks us for the big obnoxious flower, because really, it is kind of pretty.

"You remember my friend Adam, right Supina? He's the one that believes in omens. Supina understands omens too."

"Yeah, I remember Adam. Hi Adam."

"Hi Supina. I don't believe in omens."

"The rain on your birthday? The cats?"

"Can we not talk about the cats right now?"

"The plant needs a name," Ian says.

"What was the name of the plant in Little Shop of Horrors?" Sup asks.

Ian - "Audrey 2."

"I think I'll call it Adam 2."

"Thanks... I think"

Postscript - Kind of anti-climactic, I know, but really, this is what passes for excitement in my life, being the last car through the drive-through at In-N-Out Burger, and having plants named after me. I really need to get a hobby, or create something, or do something because these are the best, most creative, most energy-filled years of my life and what the hell am I doing with them? Taking stupid classes at some stupid university and writing stupid entries on my stupid web site, and the whole time thinking, I want very badly to be a super-hero.