Legs

I hate wednesdays becaue I have class before noon, and I'm always cranky if I'm conscious before 2pm. And at 11am I have this introductory electronics class and it's boring and there's no beautiful women in it because it's Engineering 40, and women are smart enough to avoid engineering classes, so there's just lots of talk of voltage differences and resistors and complicated circuits and the need for bigger chalk.

But today was even worse because the water was turned off from 10 to 12 today, so to take a shower I had to get up at 9:30! How am I supposed to be super cool if I have to get up before the crack of dawn? So I showered at 9:30 and then fell back asleep for an hour.

When I got to class I sat down next to my buddy Yuping, who was already sleeping. Yuping has this habit of sleeping entirely through every class I've ever taken with him. Which is bad because he's the only cs major I talk to, so I have to work with him on projects and now I'm his lab partner in e40 and he got a D in physics last year so he should probably be paying attention because I'm not and I haven't solved a circuit problem since high school.

So I took out my notebook, which was conspicuously absent of any notes, and started to draw stuff for the cartoon I've written 35 strips worth of dialogue for but no pictures. When all of a sudden I can't look at my drawings because there's a pair of gorgeous legs in my view.

Gorgeous legs? That's impossible. There aren't any women in e40, and if there are they certainly don't have legs like this. But I have to be wrong, because there is this beautiful girl who just sat down next to me and she's very obviousy female, and after careful observation I can testify to the fact that she has two of the most amazing legs I've ever seen. But why is she sitting next to me?

It's because I'm so damned sexy in my Baffler t-shirt. It's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually, it's just because I'm so astoundingly sexy, screw the Baffler t-shirt. Nobody cares about journals that blunt the cutting edge anymore besides me.

Her legs are hypnotizing, and she smells wonderful, and I can't concentrate on my cartooning because of it, and it's obvious that right after class the two of us are going to have wild, passionate sex.

And then she turns to me and asks, "Do you know what date it is?"

I knew she wanted to have wild passionate sex with me!

But oh no, I don't even know what month it is, and if I fail to properly answer this question she might not want to have wild, passionate sex with me anymore, and so I'm about to panic, but then I remember that my pocket watch shows the day too.

But my pocket watch isn't in my pocket, and even if it was it wouldn't help because it died over a month ago.

And then I remembered that because I fell asleep after I got out of the shower and I didn't get up until after 10am when the water was turned off I didn't brush my teeth, so my breath is probably disgusting. But then I remembered how sexy I was and decided it's ok.

"I'm not sure," I meekly reply.
"I think it's the 5th," she responds in her beautiful voice.
"Yuping, what's the date?" I say taking charge of the sitution.
"April 5th" Yuping says angrily because I woke his lame ass up.
"Thanks" I cordially say to Yuping because I'm such a nice and polite guy.

And I go back to trying to doodle but really I'm still just staring at her legs, and Yuping goes back to sleep, and I can't tell what she's doing because I'm too busy staring at her luscious legs to notice.

The lecture starts and Yuping's head falls onto his shoulder, and the girl is busily taking notes, and all I can think about is telling her how great her legs are, because they really are, and finding great legs in a Stanford engineering class is something that probably only happens once, maybe twice a lifetime, so it would be a shame to let the opportunity pass, and besides, how are we ever going to have wild passionate sex if I don't talk to her?

But I can't tell her how great her legs are because this is a college campus in the year 2000, and at Stanford if you're a guy, even a guy as downright sexy as me, and you say things like that to women a whole mob of feminists takes you down to the firehouse where the glbt and women's center is and they make you watch those sensitivity films until your eyes bleed and then they make you watch them all again until you're crying so much for them to stop that the people in Tressider start to complain about the noise and then they just gag you and make you watch them some more until you pass out.

But that kind of risk doesn't stop me, there's great sex to be had! Damn the torpedoes! I'm maybe three sentences away from getting this gorgeous girl to come back to my room after class and have wild, passionate sex with me.

Well, actually, I'd rather get some lunch first, then brush my teeth, then have wild, passionate sex with her but I think she'd probably be ok with that too.

So I'm staring at her legs and the professor is talking about how great Thornein equivalents are or something, but I'm not really hearing any of it because her legs are completely monopolizing my attention since they're so great.

And I'm thinking, well, it's kind of bad that I'm not paying any attention to this class, but at least I'm focusing on this girl's legs instead of thinking about my ex-girlfriend like I normally do in class.

Damnit.

And then I think, except for that last part, I'm starting to think like Ben brown writes, except that I'm not as entertaining, and I know I'm not sexy, and I never actually have sex, or ever do anything else entertaining to write about. But that's probably ok because Ben is making all the good stuff up anyway, I think.

But I'll never know because I'll never get to meet Ben brown because I'm not going to work for DeepLeap this summer because Courtney said I suck and they'd never hire me because I'm such a total loser.

Well, actually, she said that they're still trying to get the funding to hire employees besides the founders, so they're not really ready to hire interns yet, and Ben doesn't even have the money for fish tacos, so I guess it's understandable, but that doesn't sound nearly as tragic as the other one did, and I think I'm supposed to make this larger than life so it's a better read.

But Pyra, they said I suck and would never hire me because I'm such a loser. Well, actually, they didn't say anything, but that's pretty much the same as saying I'm a total loser, and besides I spent like two minutes composing the email I sent to them so I probably sounded like a total idiot, and Ev and Paul and Meg and Matt were probably just laughing too hard at it to come up with a response, but that's ok because I know I'm a sexy web-devvy coding machine, and I still love pyra and blogger anyway.

And then her foot barely brushes up against my leg and I try not to notice because it surely doesn't mean anything, and besides, it's no reason to stop staring at her legs, because they're so much more interesting than voltage dividing circuits.

Except that then she rubs her foot against my leg some more, and it's plainly obvious that she wants to have wild, passionate sex with me right here, right now, all I need to do is ask her.

And so I spend about 20 minutes contemplating the best way to ask her, but it always ends up with laughing. Not her, the entire class. After she slaps me. And then the angry womynists come for me, and they have to cancel class because of the ensuing riot.

But eventually class is over and I know that I'll never say anything funny or clever to her, or probably even see her again, even though she wants to have wild, passionate sex with me. So we're putting away our notebooks and she asks, "Is there lab this week?"

Is there lab this week? Oh god, I don't know, I don't think so, definiely not, but why is this beautiful girl asking me such difficult questions, wouldn't it be easier if we just slept together?

"I'm not sure, I don't think it starts until next week. There's no lab this week, right Yuping?"

"Zzzzz, huh? Uh no. No. No lab."

"Ok. Thanks."

And then she scampered off on her great legs and I started to walk back to Narnia, which is what the little house I live in is called because it's far away in a magical land away from campus, when I realize that this might actually make a mildly entertaining read if I wrote it all down properly. Then the last shreds of "responsible, anal-retentive adam" chimes in with Jewish Guilt and "I need to get a job for the summer, what the hell am I doing spending all of my time writing stupid shit for my stupid webiste that nobody reads?" Yeah, good point anal-retentive adam, I'll be sure to mention that when I write this up.

E40 got out late so when I showed up to lunch there was nothing edible left.

"Hey Dan, let's go grab some burgers from In-N-Out."
"Sorry man, I've got baseball practice at 1."

How can someone as sexy as me not be able to easily get tasty burgers for lunch? Why is my cool, sexy Cadillac Coupe de Ville convertible in Chicago dying a slow death in the perpetual hell that is Chicago weather instead of sitting in the parking lot in the paradise that is California waiting to whisk me off to In-N-Out burger bliss? Where are all of my cool, sexy friends with fast cars who want to drive me places just to be close to the the coolness that is Adam Mathes?

So I ended up eating cereal in my room by myself while I wrote this. But that in no way diminishes my supreme sexiness.