Feeling Worthless

I'm going to be 20 in less than two weeks.

I've yet to do anything important. I haven't ever worked on something I really care about. I haven't created anything I can be proud of.

I'm going to be 20! There are people my age dropping out of school and starting companies with ideas of changing the world, or that already have, and all I'm doing is taking classes I'm only marginally interested in. There are people out there every day doing something - and all I'm doing is sitting here in front of this screen watching life pass me by.

Why haven't I done anything yet? What the hell am I waiting for?

I want to go sleep at night feeling like I've accomplished something. That I'm working on something that matters, and not just idly wasting time waiting. I want to wake up in the morning and feel like I have a real reason to get out of bed.

Or maybe it's just that I feel so alone. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life like this - alone and doing things I dont' care about.

Every year I feel like this on my birthday, worried, clueless, depressed. I still don't know what I'm doing, and every year I keep telling myself that I'm still young. It's all right that I'm clueless. But there's no magical age when I'm going to have it all figured out. The older I get the more I think no one really has anything figured out.

I just really feel like I need a change, or something, to revitalize me and get me excited about the world again.