Facing the Tough Questions
May 9, 1999
In an attempt to answer some nagging questions, (like "Why is my love life non-existent?" "How can I be 19 and never have had a girlfriend?" "Why can't I have any sort of functional relationships with women?") I decided to list and analyze all the relationships and friendships I've ever had with peers of the opposite sex, chronologically from birth to today.
I'll spare you the details, they simply aren't interesting. I thought that I would compare the successful ones to the unsuccessful ones and come to a meaningful, useful conclusion.
Unfortunately, there were not any successful ones to compare to the unsuccessful ones. The analysis consisted of me trying to figure out what went wrong with girls I knew in pre-school, kindergarten, grade school, and high school. (Mostly this consisted of asking, at what point did she stop talking to me, and do I remember why?) By the time I got to college I was too depressed to continue, but I think the exercise illuminated some interesting points. Some patterns did emerge, so I isolated the major problem areas, and tried to figure out some tentative solutions. As always, your comments are welcome.
Problem: Although I am generally an excellent judge of character, it seem as though I occassionally befriended annoying, nearly-psychotic bitches. That these relationships failed is not my fault, and if anything it is a good thing they did.
Solution: Attempt to refine my taste in women.
Problem: I don't have the energy to keep friends. I think I have problems when I try to have more than three friends at once. I'm not entirely sure why the number is three, but from my hazy recollections, this seems to be the maximum amount of people I can attempt to give a shit about at any one time. To the fourth I became an irresponsible, shitty, insensitive, male bastard who does not really have the time or desire to maintain a real friendship.
Solution: Drink more coffee for energy, or ditch lame older friends for cool newer ones. Of course, this would first require finding cool people worth being friends with that wanted to be friends with me, then finding cooler people to ditch them for. None of this is likely.
Problem: Physical attraction screwed things up. Some believe that men and women simply can not be friends for this reason, and I'm starting to believe them. Somehow, either on one or both sides, sexual attraction, even if it was repressed and latent, contributed to the downfall of many of these former friendships. Clearly, friendships with too much sexual tension are just bad. How actual physical interaction would have affected these relationships I'll never know.
Solution: Yeah, right.
Problem: Too many giggly, spoiled, suburban princesses in my life, not enough cynical, jaded, urban, riot grrls. Too many girls who listen to Ani and Jewel, not enough grrls who listen to Bikini Kill.
Solution: Find a riot grrl, latch on to her, hoping my feeble knowledge of pre-Rollins Black Flag and the Mr. T Experience is enough to convince her I was punk once. Become cool with all her friends before she realizes I'm just a smart-ass geek with few/no redeeming qualities and no connection to any punk scene anywhere. Interested grrls may apply here. (note: a love of the Powerpuff Girls cartoon is a prerequisite.)
Problem: My striking good looks frighten women off. Obviously, this is my biggest problem.
Solution: The curse of beauty has no solution.
copyright 1999 adam mathes