by adam mathes
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And Give Her Some Smoochies Too

I decided to watch the 19th Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards so you wouldn’t have to. (Please hold comments about my Saturday evening activities until the end.)


Watching the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Award is much like watching a golden age cartoon - most kids aren’t going to have the context to truly understand how funny some things are, but that makes it more enjoyable.

Opening - Jack Black Sings

Jack Black hosting, in and of itself is comedy. I mean, fuck her gently Tenacious D Jack Black is in front of a bunch of kids, basically being Jack Black.

Favorite Movie Actors

Within five minutes Ice Cube was nominated for favorite movie actor. All I could hear in my head was “fuck tha police coming straight from the underground…”

But Will Smith won, proving once again that even though suburban kids might pretend to be gangsta for a while, less offensive The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff win over NWA in the long run.

He tried to get the audience to sing for him the opening theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and they sort of obliged, but I couldn’t help but think that most of those kids weren’t even born when that was actually on the air.

Favorite Television Show

Kids like Fear Factor? That was actually a nominated option?

Drake and Josh won, and I don’t know what that show is, which is probably a good sign. So for all of you that think that just because I watch Cartoon Network all the time that I somehow understand children’s television, I don’t.

New Slime World Record

Man, Tony Hawk looks old. And that slime looked like water with green coloring.

Favorite Movie Actress

Bruce Willis and Avril Lavigne were introduced to Bow Wow Wow’s “I Want Candy” which I sort of remember being a song about wanting to have sex with a guy on a beach, but it was the 80’s - I don’t quite remember since I was 3.

No surprise that Lindsay Lohan won. Was Lindsay Lohan genetically modified by Disney to star in their crappy remakes and appeal to kids? Because it seems like it worked. And no perceptible side effects or long term harm to the subject!

Then Pink performed, but all I heard was the three bloops from my Tivo as I fast forwarded.

Favorite Animated Movie

This should be my category, right?

Madagascar, Robots, Chicken Little, Wallace and Gromit. Yet I’ve seen none of those movies.

(Of course I’ve seen the older Wallace and Gromit material, just not the new movie.)

Burping With the Stars

Hugh Jackman and Justin Timberlake burped.

“Acting is just a hobby. It’s nothing. Burping is my passion! I will not rest until I am the undisputed burping champion of the world.” - Hugh Jackman.

Justin totally outburped him.

I find it hard to believe even kids are stupid enough to actually pay money to vote on something like that. Regardless, shouldn’t Nickelodeon feel bad about encouraging 10 year olds to send 50 cent text messages about burping?

Favorite Athlete

I was really hoping Kobe Bryant would be on the nominee list for easy joke value, but it was Allen Iverson instead. I’ll leave the joke (try something like “kids love breaking and entering with firearms!”) to you.

Lance Armstrong beat out the basketball and baseball players, but didn’t seem to have the stage presence to accept the award properly. Didn’t he host SNL? He couldn’t be entertaining for 15 seconds? And don’t give me that “it’s harder to be funny after you’ve had testicular cancer” crap.

Favorite Male Singer

Bow Wow, Will Smith, Nelly and Jesse McCartney were nominated, which led me to the obvious questions who the hell is Jesse McCartney?

And then he won, which again let me to the question of, seriously, who the hell is Jesse McCartney? And does he always wear that stupid hat?

Favorite TV Actress

Jaime Lynn Spears was the first winner of the night to thank god, which I thought was a nice touch. Indeed, I imagine god was paying close attention to Nickeloden’s Kid’s Choice Awards Favorite TV Actress category. My mind was starting to wander a bit, but then again, I’m not omnipotent.

Then I started playing video games and lost interest, and then Tivo deleted it, so I never watched the rest, but overall we can still conclude this was probably one of the dumber ideas I had for a daily entry.

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