by adam mathes
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Emergency Lack of Internet Updates

Because of the evils of the telecommunications industry, I am now without DSL.

I am writing this from an undisclosed dialup connection.

You may be wondering how you can go from “three years of uninterrupted DSL service” to “no service” and I’m wondering that too. But all I know is that it has something to do with DirectTV buying Telocity, then going out of business, and SBC refusing to support unbundled loop lines, and that I’m too far from the central office to get enough bandwidth, even though it’s the same central office I was connecting to before, and basically, as far as I can tell, it’s all Newt Gingrich’s fault for the 1996 Telecommunications Act.

Deregulation is for suckers.

But what does this mean for me, and you, the loyal reader.

For me:

My job search, which wasn’t really going all that great anyway, will come to a crashing halt as people email me and never get a response and decide I am in fact imaginary, or, worse, uninterested and thus unemployable.

I will take all the time I used to spend reading things on the Internet and instead read things on paper. In the past two days I have gotten, in the mail, a surprisingly new and fresh edition of the Baffler, as well as a signed copy of Neal Pollack’s new nearly book-like publication from So New Media. (The note from Neal mostly talked about my penis, but that’s to be expected.)

I will likely use the time I would have wasted online surfing stupid sites to write brilliant things and shop them around to important print publications.

Or play Panzer Dragoon Orta, I’m not really sure. (Yes, I bought an Xbox, but I’m only going to play Sega games on it and will refer to it as my DreamCastBox.)

Either way, you, the reader, are screwed.

Feel free to email me while I’m internet-less so that I feel like I’m missing important communications. If you actually need to contact me, particularly if you are interested in giving me creative control over an animated television show, particularly ones that feature giant robots, please call me.

Finding my phone number is left as an exercise to the reader.

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