by adam mathes
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For immature and petty reasons I decided that I needed to bring a date to Special Dinner this Friday. (1)

I made a list of qualities I was looking for in my hypothetical date:

  1. Hot.
  2. Able to convincingly pretend to like me for a number of consecutive hours.
  3. Really hot.
  4. Has no problem entertaining herself while I’m off drinking heavily and ignoring her.
  5. Really, really, really hot.
  6. Incredibly hot.
  7. Will find her own way home after I pass out.
  8. Ridiculously hot.

And then I realized I wasn’t looking for a date so much as an escort, and scrapped the idea.

  1. Special Dinner - each quarter my house spends a large amount of money on fancy schmancy dinner (lobster, filet, fine wine, lots of expensive liquor, etc.) Traditionally, I have gotten extremely inebriated at these events and collapsed in my bed rather early on in the night.

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