by adam mathes
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A Brief Conversation With Craig

A brief conversation, hastily reconstructed after the fact, with Craig Isamu “Smoot” Hawley, driving back from Dunkin Donuts this spring break:

Craig - “Those huge SUV’s, they’re everywhere. I hate those things. They’re so annoying.”

Adam - “The advertising for them is so brilliant though, all the great outdoor imagery. Like any of these people will ever take their vehicles off-road. But a huge SUV makes you a warrior, journeying through the concrete jungles. Man, you work in a fucking cubicle in a city, there’s no adventure, there’s no jungle, and you’re not rugged.”

C - “As much as I despise the advertising, and realize what it’s doing, I know that I’m just as much of a chump as the rest of America. I want tangible things, I want stuff.”

A - “Well, there’s always that void, and all we have to fill it now is consumerism.” C - “I have music.” A - “I know you actually appreciate music for music, but for most people music is just more consumerism.” C - “Exactly. Just another consumer fetish. Music is just a lifestyle accessory for them.”

A - “I fucking hate the ‘music as fashion’ bullshit, especially with all the ‘indie rock’ kids. Why is everyone always so obsessed with asking you ‘what kind of music you listen to.’ I always try to tell people I listen to good music.”

C - “It’s the worst with hip-hop. Anybody who looks through my vinyl collection can see that there’s no pattern, I’ve got all kinds of music, it’s just all good, that’s all it has in common.”

A - “But ‘good music’ is never enough though, because you have to listen a certain kind of music, and that will obviously demonstrate exactly the kind of person you are and the image you want to portray.”

C - “That shit is so annoying.”

“It was so fucking dumb in high school, but I thought it would somehow decrease as we got older.”

“But it’s so much worse in college.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“That’s why I shave my testicles.”

“Oh, I hear ya.”

Silence, then we both just started laughing.

“We are so funny.”

“We are hilarious.”

“Nobody else realizes it though.”

“No, not at all.”

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