by adam mathes · subscribe · RSS · archive
hareholder of adammathes corp:
2002 promises to be a time of great growth and expansion for the adammathes brand. We are dedicated to keeping you, the valued shareholders of adammathes stock, well informed of our current and future endeavors.
We’re working on many exciting new changes and enhancements to the adammathes brand. Here are a few we would like to share with you:
Footwear additions: steel-toed-boots have been essential to the adammathes experience since 1994, and will continue to be for the foreseeable future. Regardless, we are pleased to announce the addition of Converse Chuck Taylor All Star high tops to the footwear rotation. They are, of course, navy. While a few years ago many would have dismissed Converse high tops as too weak or “alterna-teen” for adammathes brand standing, we feel that the occasional wearing of Converse instead of steel-toed combat boots reflects a warranted relaxation of the angry, militaristic side of the adammathes brand (the side that still has ill-will towards the British because “somebody still needs to be angry about the war of 1812”) in favor of the warmer, cozier, apathetic side.
A New Car: the loss of the 1989 Cadillac Coup de Ville Chop-top Convertible pimpmobile in 1998 represented a profound decrease in both coolness and mobility for adammathes corp that had not been addressed, until now. While the pimpmobile was a unique piece of adammathes history, we have moved forward and are pleased to announce our partnership with Tayla, a 2001 Audi A4 1.8T Quattro. Tayla, like the pimpmobile, maintains brand color consistency with a dark blue exterior. And while nothing could really replace the comedy value of 16-year-old Adam Mathes driving a 1989 Cadillac Coupe de Ville Convertible, the sight of 21-year-old Adam Mathes driving around in a 2001 Audi A4 certainly does come close.
Twenty-year-old Brooks Brothers dress shirts: these represent a strategic transition from the safe t-shirt look. Although long staples of the adammathes brand, the “I shelled out eighteen dollars to View Askew and all I got was this crappy t-shirt,” “Fuck the Lupins,” and “Aquaman Sucks!” t-shirts will be playing a secondary role to the much more subdued white with very ugly pin-stripes dress shirts. The “I’m Fucking Lance Arthur” shirt, however, will stay in heavy rotation.
Video Gaming: adammathes corp’s rabid loyalty to the doomed Sega Dreamcast has been indicative of the adammathes brand’s endurance under the harshest odds. Also, its complete and utter inability to stay in step with the outside world (although that too is a calculated brand feature.) Finally bowing to external pressure, adammathes brand now allies itself with the Nintendo Gamecube. While adammathes corp was saddened to see the launch of a Nintendo console without a proper Mario title, and in its place the mediocre technology demo masquerading as game entitled “Luigi’s Mansion,” the inevitability of a Zelda game for the console immediately made it the winner in the next generation console wars. More importantly, Nintendo’s “kid-centered” focus goes well with the classic adammathes cartoon-watching cultural tastes of a 7-year-old theme. Their savvy marketing makes it much more compatible with the adammathes brand than competitors, certainly beating out the clueless Microsoft, whose featured launch title has a nameless, faceless main character in full storm trooper gear. Sony’s Playstation 2 was not even considered since the popular and entirely correct brand association between Playstation and weenies who play Final Fantasy. Playing emulated 1980’s arcade games with a gigantic arcade control panel will, of course, still be the primary gaming outlet.
Declining computer science influence: although adammathes brand has always been careful to keep a measured distance from the Stanford computer science department, the deteriorating affects of being a computer science major on the brand could only be marginally contained. However, the coming winter academic quarter will see a marked decrease in computer science related activity, culminating in spring quarter’s complete absence of any and all computer science classes. While future academic endeavors are still uncertain, there are definite plans to avoid graduate plans, and there are plans being developed to spend spring quarter in culinary school.
Female companions: we realize that progress on this front has been so slow as to seem non-existent. We at adammathes corp. have recently created an entirely new subdivision whose sole purpose is finding female companions compatible with and enhancing to the adammathes brand. They are also busily working on a campaign to convince people that the perception of the adammathes type being “crazy little Asian girls” is false, and that the adammathes type is, in fact, any breathing female, 18-24, and, preferably, who wears cute glasses and watches cartoons. The division has little success to report as of yet, but they are doing their best to undo the damage to the brand caused by the unfortunate failed merger attempt of ‘99.
As always, your support is appreciated.
— Adam Mathes