by adam mathes
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I’m very concerned that I have yet to write a texty text this school year.

There have been no funny, exciting, mini-adventures. Formerly exciting Death Runs have become me driving to In-N-Out by myself because nobody will go with me.

There have been no plot advancements in the adammathes life-story, and it seems like a lot of the most interesting characters have left.

It turns out alienating all your friends has a really bad effect on the screenplay of life.

Not that I need new characters, I mean, there’s still Dan “Tubby Bitch” Rich, whose comic potential has yet to be tapped. And seriously, what about Yuping? I mean, he’s a communist! Although now that he doesn’t live next door to me, I never see him, which is problematic.

And, well, yeah. So. Am I just a sidekick? Am I useless without much more entertaining people I have a comic rapport with?

Am I just Arthur?

Oh, man, did you see the new live action Tick? “Fight fire with Arthur!” Hilarious.

Never mind, back to the problem at hand.

Where’s the drama?!

And seriously, for the love of god, is somebody going to work on finding me a new romantic interest already? Could I get some casting directors in here? And the focus groups have suggested adding at least ONE female character would really help ratings and perhaps make me seem like less of a misogynist.

Maybe I need a new hobby.

Grand theft auto?

No, Tayla would get jealous.

Telling people I was on the ‘92 Olympic Badminton Team?

Too predictable.

Watching cartoons all day?

Yes! Brilliant!

No, wait. No.

Oh, fuck it.

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